Earlier today had a visit from an old fear - a test to see how far I'd really come in my life and to see how grounded and strong I'd become due to struggle, suffering and adversity.  For each and every lesson I have learned so much, have developed strength of character, depth, and so much compassion that my heart is now vibrantly alive.  I am so thankful.  What an initiation.

 

Tonight I was brought up close and personal to disasters and horrific trials and to those brave souls  who survived (like my son, tsunami survivors, 911 families...) and whose lives were so changed by them.  I sat and cried as I watched personal interviews with people who have seen and experienced devastation and have rebirthed into such incredible beings of strength, love, forgiveness, and tenacity.  The human spirit is amazing. And as the tears flowed the video took me by the shoulders and shook me hard...how could I have felt even the tiniest pang of embarrassment or shame for the weight I've gained these past two years?  How could that old conditioned fear concerning what a man might think of me due to body size arise again after all I've been though with my son's near death and the rug pulled out from beneath me in the twinkle of an eye.

 

Just goes to show how deeply ingrained was my training, and I am grateful for what was brought to my plate this evening via these touching heart-felt stories of survivors...and THRIVERS. Yes, indeed...  I felt a lioness roar within.  A lioness who no longer sleeps and one who stands firm and proud in her big, bold, beautiful self...the light will no longer be veiled by old tapes or by what people may or may not think. Through these stories I see so markedly how the judgements are not ours to own...but can be reflections that test the sense of self and question the respect we have for who we truly are.  It feels so good to have witnessed the shift so quickly and to know deep within that my beauty will now been seen in a different way - one that honors, respects and goes deeper than surface appearances. 

 

Alone and celibate these past two years, working on my book, and developing my new "storefront" I did not allow myself even a moment's thought about being in an intimate relationship. Have not spent a moment with my Chironic wound in my 7th house of relationship.  The past few months I have been watching so many others revisit "old" stories - and knew that the planetary alignments were asking us to release those that were keeping us from fully stepping into who we are and shining...ha!  Thought I'd done most of my work...and then had this sneak in on me.   How lovely to see and process it without loosing my sense of self.

 

On this new moon I pledge to step fully into my light, into my creativity, into my desire to be of service, to encourage others to play, feel, laugh, cry, and raise their hands to the sky -letting the blindfolds fall from our eyes. 

 

The raw beauty of complete vulnerability is something these stories reflected to me and I desire with all my heart to step fully into the lioness who calls me to have no fear as I put my head and heart into her jaws - knowing the beast within is now my friend and teacher.

How does a part of the world leave the world?
How does wetness leave water?
Don't try to put out fire by throwing on more fire!
Don't wash a wound with blood.
No matter how fast you run, your shadow keeps up.
Sometimes it's in front!
Only full overhead sun diminishes your shadow.
But that shadow has been serving you.
What hurts you, blesses you.
Darkness is your candle.
Your boundaries are your quest.
I could explain this,
but it will break the glass cover on your heart,
and there's no fixing that.
You must have shadow and light source both.
Listen, and lay your head under the tree of awe.
When from that tree feathers and wings sprout on you,
be quieter than a dove.
Don't even open your mouth for even a coo.
--Rumi

A blessed new moon and Happy Thanksgiving to you, dear one.